Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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