So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
