Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He felt like a one man threesome
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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