she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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