My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
