So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
where are my eyebrows?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
