she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize