There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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