Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
