I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Soap is not a condiment
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
