I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
