Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
