I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
