i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
