If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
