So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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