I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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