I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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