You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
