her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
