You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize