Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
