I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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