clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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