In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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