I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize