You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
