It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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