how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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