just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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