your parents love me but you hate me
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
