if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
