LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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