He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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