Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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