Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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