i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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