your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have aggressive nipples.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
