I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
