So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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