Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize