my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
