Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize