I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
