Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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