I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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