Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
