Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
