This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
