I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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