Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
