I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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