Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
