The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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