Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
