Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
