There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let's get the cat blown out
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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