Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize