how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
