I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
