He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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