Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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