Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Watching her eat just hurts me
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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