A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
