Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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